Books, Scrolls and Trolls~
by TempestXtreme
Summary: A stupid story I wrote because I was bored. R&R please!
1. Books...and tea?

Books, Scrolls and Trolls

**Books, Scrolls and Trolls**

** **

**By TempestXtreme**

**Author's notes: **DON'T READ! PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU WANNA STAY SANE!! All right, read then! But I warned ya…

Chapter One – A book, some tea and a sadistic fanfic author… (Mwahahah…)

** **

~Ominous music plays as our main villain enters with a large black book. He is wearing a black trench coat and is grinning widely. ~

Villainous guy: Mwahaha…now I shall take over the Final Fantasy 7 and 8 worlds! But first, I must have some tea as it is four 'o clock…

~Puts the book down and orders some tea and drinks it fast so that he may continue with his evil plan…~

Villainous guy: First, to the FF7 world! HAHAHH!!!! 

~Continues to laugh as he jumps into a hole in the ground (?) and disappears…~

AVALANCHE's world

_ _

~Cloud and Tifa enter the bar; hand in hand and smiling at each other like a couple of lovable idiots. ~

Cloud: HEY! We're not lovable, and we're not idiots!

Author (that would be me J): I'm writin' the story here, so you can just can it, Cloud!

Cloud: @#$@#!!

Tifa: Oh, ignore him…HEY!

~Tifa suddenly runs headfirst into a wall for no apparent reason. Author laughs. ~

Author: I am all-powerful! HAHAH!!!

Cloud: Uh…. right….

~ Cut to Mideel, where our villain has quite literally dropped in on the doctor… ~

Doctor: Who are you?

Villainous guy: Huh? How'd I end up in Mideel! I was supposed to land in Midgar!

Doctor: Uh, right….

~The Villain leaves Mideel and sees the Highwind just standing there~

Villainous guy: Ah, I'll hijack that ship and fly to Midgar! 

~He gets on board and throws the crew off the ship and steals it. Cid comes out of the forest a few minutes later…~

Cid: What the @#$@#?! Where's the Highwind?!  
  
Crewmember Bob: Some guy in a black trench coat hijacked it, Captain! 

Cid: @#$@!! I gotta call Cloud an' tell him to send me a Golden Chocobo! 

~Cid takes out his PHS and calls Cloud~  
  
Cloud: Hellooooo? Is that you, Aeris?

Cid: @#$@# kid! Aeris is dead; remember? This is Cid! Some guy in a black trench coat stole the Highwind; so I need ya ta send me one of the Golden Chocobos!

Cloud: Oh sorry, but we ate the last Chocobo for supper last night!

Cid: What?! How could you eat a @#$@ Chocobo?!!?

Cloud: We ran out of chicken!

Cid: @#$@#$@#$@#$@#$@$!@#!@#$#@$@##~!~~!!!

Author: Watch your mouth!

~Cid gets hit on the head with an enormous chicken leg (don't ask…)~

Cid: Who the @#$@ are you!?

Author: I'm the fanfic author!

Cid: WHAT?! Where's the Highwind?!

Author: Midgar, why?

Cid: THAT'S MY SHIP!!!!!

Author: So?

Cid: @#$@#!!

~Cut to Midgar, where are villain is trying to figure how to get into the huge city…~

Villainous guy: How the heck do I get in there?

Author (appearing out of nowhere): You can jump!

Villainous guy: What?! HEY!

~The Author tosses the Villainous Guy off the Highwind! The Villainous Guy [known as VG until I can be bothered to think up a decent name] lands on top of what's left of Shinra HQ! ~

VG: @#$@#!!

Author: Such language! 

~Tosses down a horny dog. The dog…ugh…you don't wanna know…~

VG: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author: Whoa, I didn't think THAT was possible, even for a dog!

**END OF CHAPTER ONE (Thank goodness…)**

** **

**Author's notes: **Uh…would you believe that I'm going slightly madder every single day…?


	2. Trolls.....?

Chapter Two – Urmm…

**Chapter Two – Trolls…and nails on a chalkboard…? Wait! That's my singing!**

** **

** **

**~**Because of VG's little dimensional trip, a few trolls have been spotted around Wutai. Naturally Yuffie is busy fighting the things…Uh-oh…~

Yuffie: Where'd these things COME FROM?!?

Author: The Warhammer World! 

Yuffie (getting smacked on the head by a wooden club): YEOW!! Warhammer?! You brought THAT game into this too?!

Author (singing): Oh, we ain't got a barrel of MOOOOONNNNEEEEEEEYYY!!! We may look ragged and FUUNNNNYYYY!! But we're travellin' on, singin' our song, side by SIIIIDDDDDDDDEEEEEE!!!

Trolls: ACCK!! (Faints)

Yuffie: I'll say! (Runs away screaming and holding her now-bleeding ears)

Author: What? My singing isn't THAT bad is it?

~Cut back to Midgar~

~VG is FINALLY rid of that horny dog! He scratches his butt and looks around~

VG: Why am I still called 'VG'?

Author: I can't be bothered to give you a decent name.

VG: @#@!

Author: Such language! (hits him on the head with a…toothbrush?)

VG: What…? A TOOTHBRUSH?!!

Author: I'm going slightly MAAAAAADDDD!! Ever so slightly MAAADD!!

VG: You got that right!

~Gets hit on the head with a hotdog~

VG: Now he's hitting me with hotdogs…?

~Cut back to Mideel~

Cid: @#$#@!! Where's a ship when you need one?!

Crewmember Bob: We could always swim…

Cid: WHAT?! SWIM?! ARE YOU #@@$ CRAZY?!

Crewmember Bob: Sorry sir… (Cries like a baby)

Cid: @#$!!

~Cut back to Tifa's bar~

Tifa: Oh Cloudy-Poo! Can you get me another drink?

Cloud: You're the bar tender! YOU get it!

Tifa: Fine! (Gets her own drink, sits down and sulks)

Cloud: …

~Cut to Coral~

~Barret is shooting fish in a barrel, literally~

Barret: Damn, I haven't had this much fun since I started shootin' at the Highwind!

~FLASHBACK~

~Barret is shooting at the Highwind, and a very angry Cid rushes up to him~

Cid: Barret! What the @#$#@ do you think you're doing!?

Barret: Target practice! Your airship is one #@$# good target!

Marlene: Daddy, what does '#@$#' mean?

Barret: Uh…. I'll tell ya when you grow up!

Marlene: OK daddy! (runs off to play)

~END FLASHBACK~

Barret: Hehehe…that was fun!

~Cut to the Gold Saucer and Cait Sith~

Cait Sith: Hey you! Wanna have your fortune told?

VG: Huh?! How'd I get from Midgar to here?

Author: Mwahahah…

VG: Oh…I HATE YOU!

Author: I know…

Cait Sith: What a couple of weirdo's….

~Cut to Cosmo Canyon~

Red XIII: Finally, I get a part in the story, if you can call this load of trash a story…OWW!!!

~Red was hit on the head by a falling rock~

Author: Don't insult my writing!

Red XIII: Well, it IS…

~Gets hit in the face by a golf ball [don't ask] and passes out~

Author: Hehehe…I LOVE golf! FORE!!

Bugenhagen: OW! HEY!

Author: Oops…

END CHAPTER TWO

** **

**Author's Notes: **I am NOT crazy and I am NOT going mad…(Yeah, right…)


	3. Scrolls

Chapter Three – Scrolls

**Chapter Three – Scrolls**

** **

~Cut to the Forgotten Capitol for no good reason~  
  
VG: WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?!?!

Author: Uh…

VG: I REALLY hates you!

Author: Erm…

~Cut to Mideel~

Cid: WHY CAN'T THE @$#%%$#%#$% JUST TRANSPORT US SOMEWHERE?!?!

Author: Uh… ~smiles stupidly~

Cid: Great, NOW he's gone completely mad!

~Cut to Tifa's Bar~

~Tifa is drunk~

Tifa: Y'know (hic) Cloud, I was sooooo glad to see Aeris get skewered! Now (big HIC), you're all mine!

Cloud: Uh, sure Tifa, sure…

~Cut back to Coral~

Barret: WEEEEE!!!

~Twirls around shooting wildly~

Barret: WEEE!! Shooting wildly is so much more fun when you're high! WEE!!

~Cut back to…ah, what the hell? Let's just jump to Balamb Garden!~

Squall: Whatever!

Selphie: Tee-hee!

Zell: HOTDOGS!!!

Seifer: Chicken-Wuss, Chicken-Wuss!

Quistis: I am depressed right now.

Irvine (drooling): Hehehe, look at all the cuties!

Rinoa: Squall, dance with me!

Author: Uh…never mind!

~Cut back to the Forgotten Capitol~

  
VG: Hey, I found a scroll!

????: Hey, that's mine!

~Aeris comes and beats him over the head with her staff and takes the scroll~

Aeris: It's my recipe for Revenge! Cloud will pay for letting me die! MWAHAHAH!!!

Author: Oh shut up! Evil doesn't suit you!

Aeris: Awww…but I wanna be evil!

Author: Too bad! VG is the villain!

~Aeris drops the scroll and runs away crying like a baby~

VG: Uh, right…

~Cut back to Tifa's Bar. Tifa is chasing Cloud around the bar~

Cloud: HEEEEEEEELLLP!! There's a drunken super-heroin after me!!

Tifa: Will you be my special friend…? ~Laughs maniacally~

Cloud: NOOOO!!! SHE THINKS SHE'S BARNEY!!HEEEEELLLPPP!!!

~Cut to Balamb Garden Training Center, where Zell is being attacked by the REAL Barney~

Zell: AAAAHHHHHH!! HELP! IT'S BARNEY THE BIG PURPLE DINOSAUR!!!

Barney: Will you be my special friend? ~Tries to hug Zell, Zell runs screaming~

Author: How'd Barney get into the story?

~Barney turns to the Author and grins evilly~

Barney: Will you be my special friend?

Author: AACCCCCCK!!!!!! ~Takes out a nuclear missile and blows Barney up~ Phew!

END CHAPTER THREE

** **

**Author's Notes: **Hehehe!!!! I've lost my MIIINNNDDD!! HAHAH!!! I MUST WRITE MORE!! AHAHAH!!!


	4. Insanity

Chapter Four – More insanity

**Chapter Four – More insanity!!!**

** **


	5. What...?

Chapter Four – What the hell…

**Chapter Four – What the hell…?**

** **

** **

~Cut to Tifa's Bar~

Tifa: I love you; you love me…

Cloud: AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Cut back to Coral…~

Barret (shooting wildly): Where's da President of Shinra at?! I'm gonna blow him away!

Author: Uh…oops?

~Cut to Mideel~

Cid: GET ME OFF OF THIS @#$@#$ ISLAND!!!

Author: Oh, all right!

~Transports Cid and his crew to Rocket Town. The Highwind is there! ~

Cid: How'd my ship get here…?

Author: Mwahaha…

Cid: I hate you…

Author: ~Grins crazily~

Cid: Erm…. yeah…

~Cut back to Tifa's Bar~

Tifa: ACCK! CLOUD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Cloud ~in a crazed kind of voice~: Must kill Tifa! The Great One has ordered it! HAHAHH!!

Tifa: AAAAAHHHHH!!! ~Kicks Cloud in the groin~

Cloud: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggh…………………….!! ~Faints~

Tifa: Great One? AERIS!!!

~Aeris appears~

Aeris: WHAT?!

~Tifa stabs Aeris in the chest with a dagger~

Tifa: DIE YOU WITCH!

Aeris: NOOOO!!! I'M DEAD AGAIN! ~Dies~

Tifa: Nyahahah!!

Author: OK then…

~Cut to VG~

VG: I QUIT!

THE END

** **

**Author's Notes: Ahahaahhahahah!!!!!**


End file.
